Another year gone….what have I learned, what have I gained, what have I lost….career wise…best ever year….personal life…..worst ever….have I ever hurt so many people in one year……how could I lose people so close to me….people who made me what I am today…..why did I humiliate myself…….why did I say so many lies…….to others and myself……why was I not strong enough…..and be a man…..how could I stand tall and say…..i have done things right…..when I really haven’t……
Yet….what have I learned…..nothing I guess……just getting ready to welcome the New Year…..and repeat the same acts again…..in the new year. Why cant I just leave 2007 behind…..and start fresh in 2008…..i never will be able to do that….cos what I ve done in 2007…..i will be taking that to my grave…..and until that day……it will haunt me…..it will torture me……even then….i would love those thoughts…..they are a part of me….those memories and thoughts…..its all mine and just mine…..no one can share…..no one can compare…..no one can emulate….those feelings and thoughts have my name written all over
Yes 2008 could be different…I might do better in my career….and maybe do the stuff I did in 2007…..in a different way so as not to hurt so many…..let bygones be bygones…..whoever said that…..never had a clue what life is……live life to the fullest….have no regrets….have no pain….have no mercy…..have fun….and loads of it…everybody out there….wish you all a fabulous 2008…..see you all in the new year…
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
96 hours in my life....mind works in strange ways
Our mind works in strange ways….doesn’t it? One moment you think this is the woman for you….especially when you talk to her for 25 days….averaging nearly 3 hours talk every single day. I even crossed my previous record on the phone. My previous was 3 hours and 20 minutes, when I was talking on the phone for the first time to my ‘first love ‘, I was 16 then; now after 15 years I spoke to a girl for 5 hours, a girl whom I haven’t met; and this happened on the fourth day, well I wasn’t surprised since I spoke to her for 1 1/2 hours the first day we spoke.
We spoke about anything and everything. Sweet nothings…the day wasn’t complete if I didn’t speak to her…into the fifth day, we started emailing …from then on…..at work we both would be waiting to see each others mail…I was quite happy the way things were moving since we both knew why we were talking…
Finally we decided to meet each other…she flew 1hr and I drove 3hrs to meet and see if we can change you and me to us. We met…..suddenly I could feel the silence….we didn’t have anything to talk…..we just made topics….we went shopping, had lunch in a fancy restaurant, later enjoyed coffees in a Paul Rankin café…..we drove around the country side….but what did we miss….we were so comfortable talking to each other…we waited to see each others mail but on the day….no we were not staring at each other with awe…saying oh….this is the person whom I was talking to….we were just silent….making up conversations…..
Did I know what I wanted, did I not see it in her…..I knew what I wanted and yes, she ticked all the right boxes….but what was missing….the vibe, the chemistry…..something was lacking between us….yes I could take the chance and say yes….and it might work out….but if it doesn’t …..I will be ruining two lives…..and I don’t have the right to do so….it was extremely difficult saying no…especially after me saying ‘I am willing to take this to the next level’ ….but if I didn’t….I will be doing injustice to both of us…..
Well the last few days has been an emotionally draining one…..where I said good bye to a very special friend, welcomed a prospective companion for life , telling her that I am willing to take the plunge, then explaining why it is not possible…..all in 96 hours…..all I am looking forward to now is my visit home……in 144 hours…..I will be home….if I can leave behind the 96 hours….I am sure I will have a good time…..
We spoke about anything and everything. Sweet nothings…the day wasn’t complete if I didn’t speak to her…into the fifth day, we started emailing …from then on…..at work we both would be waiting to see each others mail…I was quite happy the way things were moving since we both knew why we were talking…
Finally we decided to meet each other…she flew 1hr and I drove 3hrs to meet and see if we can change you and me to us. We met…..suddenly I could feel the silence….we didn’t have anything to talk…..we just made topics….we went shopping, had lunch in a fancy restaurant, later enjoyed coffees in a Paul Rankin café…..we drove around the country side….but what did we miss….we were so comfortable talking to each other…we waited to see each others mail but on the day….no we were not staring at each other with awe…saying oh….this is the person whom I was talking to….we were just silent….making up conversations…..
Did I know what I wanted, did I not see it in her…..I knew what I wanted and yes, she ticked all the right boxes….but what was missing….the vibe, the chemistry…..something was lacking between us….yes I could take the chance and say yes….and it might work out….but if it doesn’t …..I will be ruining two lives…..and I don’t have the right to do so….it was extremely difficult saying no…especially after me saying ‘I am willing to take this to the next level’ ….but if I didn’t….I will be doing injustice to both of us…..
Well the last few days has been an emotionally draining one…..where I said good bye to a very special friend, welcomed a prospective companion for life , telling her that I am willing to take the plunge, then explaining why it is not possible…..all in 96 hours…..all I am looking forward to now is my visit home……in 144 hours…..I will be home….if I can leave behind the 96 hours….I am sure I will have a good time…..
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